Seriously, What The FUCK: Week Nine, Part II
Back! Let’s see the remaining games so I can get back to drinking myself further to death.
TB 42 @ OAK 32: Tampa Bay put on a clinic but Oakland really came back to make this a close and exciting game and DON’T CARE THE FUCKING SEAHAWKS WON. So instead let’s look at the new Siamese twins here:
Sorry guy, guess you and Darren McFadden had better get used to one another. The irony here is that at some point in the near future you could be fused to Darren McFadden’s body and STILL only have two fucking working legs. That wouldn’t be good for running away when the police demand your 25 child support payments AT ALL.
Doug Martin fucking ran wild in this game with four touchdowns and over 270 all-purpose yards, which is fucking insane. Oakland got back into this game when LeGarrette Blount because Tampa Bay was apparently attempting to keep from embarrassing Oakland or something, but the Bucs hung on for a wild win here, mostly thanks to Doug Martin and probably some other stuff that doesn’t show up well on highlight reels.
Doug Martin’s nickname is “Muscle Hamster”, which is fucking terrible. Per Martin it is the worst nickname ever,” and it’s pretty much true. It’s the worst nickname outside of the sex offender registry.
PIT 24 @ NYG 20:
While that is pretty depressing, and we all love to remake the classics, frankly the reboot of “Les Miserables” really doesn’t have anywhere near the punch of the original. The Steelers make a game out of this even after being down early, completely shocking Eli Manning:
Take heart little girl. I know for a fact that your burning hatred of the fucking Pittsburgh Steelers is more than enough to keep your heart warm at night.
MIN 20 @ SEA 30: I’m sure you all saw that fucking great 74-fucking-run by Adrian Fucking Peterson on the first drive when he turned our supposedly elite defense into a gently-used treadmill, but I’d like to actually talk about something else real quick. You see, I was in Redmond watching the game and Pete FUCKING Carroll was in Seattle inside a stadium with at least a decent security presence. When I say something like how much I fucking want to get a fondue fork and FUCKING TEAR OUT Carroll’s eyeball, fucking roast it and FEED IT TO MY FUCKING CATS (who may or may not actually eat the eyeball, because they’re cats and they pretty much don’t do stuff they don’t want to do, they’re actually more likely to just sniff at it but anyway) so Carroll CAN FUCKING WATCH BEFORE I FUCKING TEAR OUT HIS OTHER EYE and then clean and return the fondue fork then that is NOT considered a sufficient bar to charge me with threatening. It’s just hyperbole. It’s highly unrealistic that I had any access or means to carry out such a ludicrous threat on someone, even if I wanted to. BUT I BADLY FUCKING WANT TO. Fucking draconian Redmond Police Department.
Anyway, yay we won! Pete Carroll is great! Even though Adrian Peterson pretty much walked up and down the field our “defense” did a great job containing Christian Ponder or at least be in strategically important positions when Ponder threw wildly inept passes. In the first half Russell Wilson threw for three touchdowns while Ponder had 42 yards passing. To put this in context Sidney Rice had 25 yards passing in the first half.
DAL 13 @ ATL 19 Let’s take a look at Atlanta attempting to kill their own quarterback!
On the Sunday Night game Cris Collinsworth mentioned that Atlanta head coach Mike Smith created a graph chart of all penalties by player and called them out:
Apparently this works. Threatening people by PowerPoint presentation is kind of a staple at Microsoft but I doubted that this was terribly effective in the NFL, but I guess that the graph of shame works.
At the end of the game apparently Jerry Jones was accidentally locked out of the locker room prior to the press conference after the Dallas loss. God I would have loved to have heard that:
Jones: “GODDAMIT YOU OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR! I AM JERRY FUCKING JONES AND I RUN THIS FUCKING TEAM! THAT PRINCETON FAGGOT GARRETT BETTER FUCKING TELL ME WHY I CAN’T GET A FUCKING TOUCHDOWN! What the…RYAN! QUIT EATING AND OPEN THIS DOOR, CHUBB CAKES!”
Rex Ryan: (mouth full): “Fuck off. I’m eating ribs.” (Burps for 15 seconds.)
Jones: “I WILL SKULLFUCK THE BOTH OF YOU!”
Dez Bryant: (whispering): “I’m scared Tony Romo, can you get me out of here?”
Tony Romo: (whispering): “Don’t worry Dez, I’ll get you out of here.”
(Tony Romo sees an open window, guides Dez Bryant to it. Dez Bryant is accidentally led to a glory hole instead.)
PHI 13 @ NO 28: Here is Andy Reid looking like a stationary bullfrog:
That’s it, Reid is now officially the Hypnotoad. This gif looks like Reid is going to throw up an entire live chicken that starts squaking and running around on the field. “Inducing vomit” is about the only thing the Eagles offensive line did remotely consistently. Vick had no idea where the pressure was and Andy Reid didn’t use the fucking running game in the second half even after McCoy got 100 yards in the first half. The Eagles turned the fucking ball over in the red zone and made the Saints defense nearly look competent. The defense actually ran a ball back into the end zone! It looked like there was actually a fucking coaching staff in the fucking building. I’m really enjoying watching Reid declare Vick the starting quarterback every fucking week and digging himself deeper into what could only be described as the world’s largest hole. By week 14 the Eagles and the Chargers will swap head coaches, some unnamed third-stringer will be quarterback (he literally won’t have a name) and be promptly sacked 20 times as Demetrius Bell is still texting after the ball got snapped.
Talk to you guys in a bit.