Seriously, What The FUCK: Week Ten Part One
I can’t believe it’s already week 10; this is usually the time where the faint pipe dreams of postseason activity are finally dashed for shitty teams and the crushing realization that the head coach needs to clear out of the office so someone else can plan their draft strategy begins to set in. With that in mind, this newsletter is brought to you by NUMBER UNO MIAMI FUCKING SUPERFAN:
Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. Here are a few hundred:
• I really think the nipple rings are appropriate. If you didn’t have a masochistic streak you wouldn’t be much of a Miami fan.
• This doesn’t seem like a good placement strategy going forward. I mean, what happens if the Dolphins go undefeated in the future? Where will that tattoo be, on his ass? Is he just going to scribble out the year and tattoo over the top of it? Or maybe just cross out the “un” in “unforgotten”? This could be a real problem down the road.
• In relation to the above point, yeah, I guess I overthought things more than a little.
• It turns out that there ARE worse things for a dolphin than to be caught in a Japanese fishers’ net.
• I’d put good money down that this is exactly how he looked when the judge explained what his child support costs would be.
• Note the bowling tattoo on his right side. I’m pretty sure that says “In Loving Memory”:
NYG 13 @ CIN 31: This was the game I watched on national coverage, so I have the most to say about this particular game. What I noticed today:
• The first score came on the first possession when the Giants employed a unique defensive strategy where A. J. Green was left to run down the field because no one ever throws to him. This went well.
• Cincinnati really stepped up defensively today, but that doesn’t change how bad the Giants were playing this week. Manning wasn’t alone as anyone not named Hakeem Nicks dropped the football all over the field, including what should have been a touchdown by Victor Cruz. Along these lines, why hasn’t David Wilson worked his way out of the doghouse yet? Sure, he fumbled the ball on a kickoff but Bradshaw has been fumbling the ball on every other game for the last four weeks.
• Apparently in the third quarter Brian Billick mentioned that he had been fined $75,000 by Mike Perera when he was VP of officiating. He was laughing about it – it must be nice to make enough money to laugh off that huge of a fine. If it had been me I know I would be differnent. “Ha ha yeah that was a lot of money and I WILL FUCKING FIND YOU AND KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP BY SHOVING $100 DOLLAR BILLS DOWN YOUR GREEDY FUCK. I WILL FUCKING ENJOY PISSING ON YOUR CORPSE AND THEN SELLING YOUR CHILDREN INTO PROSTITUTION.” So, you know, money’s not everything.
TEN 37 @ MIA 3: This fan’s face says it all. Sorry folks, but there’s limited space in this newsletter and apparently I already rented a spot on the thick of that man’s back for $15. ENDORSEMENTS.
DET 24 @ MIN 34: There’s just not enough media coverage of fucked up snaps. Little is better in life than fucking blown football snaps and the Cowboys seem to account for 80 percent of these in a given year no matter who the personnel are. Here is Stafford receiving a blown snap and additionally this is all you really need to know about the game:
The slow motion is for your benefit. "NNNOOOOO THE SNAP IS TOOO HIGGGHHHH!!!"
BUF 31 @ NE 37: On the first drive of the game, the Bills had third-and-one that had a false start, holding, and false start to turn this into a third-and 21. Bills Fucking Football!
It’s really like the Buffalo Bills to just kind of toy with their fan base enough to pretend that they might actually win a game and then just fuck things up at the last minute just to see which overweight white lardass Bills fans checks out from a heart attack due to the game. I can just imagine Ryan Fitzpatrick and Steve Johnson hanging out at a bar drinking cognac and every time a fucking mammoth shut-in Bills fans gets hauled off from being stone dead due to a heart attack from the Bills game they toast. The last play of the game was Fitzpatrick throwing right to Devin McCourty in the end zone to seal the loss after Buffalo loses two timeouts in the final drive due to back-to-back injuries. Welcome to NFL Outpost Zero.
ATL 27 @ NO 31: Look, here is a fat man with a touchdown! This will help many NFL fans who are fat men desperately wanting someone to throw them a touchdown:
Unfortunately catering to the Tony Siragusa market ultimately did the Falcons in. The Saints rallied to knock the Falcons off for the first time in 2012 as the Falcons couldn’t find any holes in a run defense that’s about as soft as their gumbo-filled fan base. This came down to the wire but ultimately chicken shit coach Mike Smith decided to fucking kick a field goal in the FOURTH FUCKING QUARTER DOWN BY 4 AT THE 2-YARD FUCKING LINE BUT I do not have an opinion here. The Falcons couldn’t mount a last-minute comeback even though:
DEN 36 @ CAR 14: Uh…this was a game. A terrible game. So apparently Mike Satanahan left his briefcase unlocked inside of an open locker during the week eight game at Pittsburgh with $3700 and a passport inside. Shockingly, this was reported stolen at the end of the game. I know! A nice city like Pittsburgh and a few bad apples ruining its good name! To be fair, a passport could buy you a lot of meth.
An investigation took place. Presumably they searched Albert Haynesworth’s house, because if a shitload of money from the Washington Redskins got stolen I would look there first. However, a day after the report was filed someone from the Redskins sheepishly told the Pittsburgh “police” that the money and passport was found inside an old leather bag, which I assume was Shanahan himself.
So my guess is that Shanahan’s exit strategy upon losing the next six games is to go to Tijuana where that sort of money can go a lot further. Also, the fact that his face resembles a worn leather couch that has been let out in the sun too long won’t be a big problem down there.
OAK 20 @ BAL 55: The only good thing that came from the game was the nationally televised shot of this man’s shirt:
Next installment coming right up.