Seriously, What The FUCK: Week 11, Part II
I really don’t have much of an excuse for the continued delay other than bars can really be difficult to get out of, you know? The exits don’t seem to be so clearly marked from the inside. I’d be more concerned if alcohol wasn’t jumping inside my mouth against my will.
NO 38 @ OAK 17: This might be the only case of sure tackling in Oakland:
Another one of those games that is difficult to write about – Oakland was down 28-7 so this score is actually more fucking lopsided than you think. It’s nice to see teams that are consistently shit so people like myself and Jay Leno have an easier time of coming up with content. There were audible “Palmer Sucks” chants in Oakland but their other options are Matt “CRUSHING PUSSY, BRO” Leinart and Terrell Pryor. “Everyone sucks” would be a little more accurate. We’ll end with this classy lady flipping off Lance Moore to the entire world:
Man, I feel sorry for her crack-addicted prostitute kids.
SD 23 @ DEN 30: Hey, here’s Philip Rivers!
Harold wanted me to channel some hate to the San Diego Chargers head office, so I’ll give this a shot because Harold is unquestionably my number one fan. A.J. Smith had wrecked this fucking team over a pointless contract dispute with Vincent Jackson and replaced him with Robert Meachem and Eddie Royal, two wide receivers that have not discovered fingers yet. Half the offensive line left and the line is barely even fucking mediocre without Jared Gaither, who is always fucking injured. Every day that Gaither manages to walk across his living room without fracturing something must be a resounding fucking success. Does he cook? Gaither shouldn’t have access to flame and sharp objects. It’s just a torn meniscus waiting to happen. Philip Rivers is pretty much fucking content to float footballs 40 feet into the air for seven minutes at this fucking point, he’s fucking done. He’s more charming when he’s preaching about abstinence.
The defense’s only disguise package is when they fucking make everyone think that there are only eight people on the field. Really? This team actually fielded eleven fucking people on defense? Are the linebackers taught to immediately tackle their own safeties on every snap? I think it would be a fucking improvement on special teams if, instead of fielding players, the coaches just littered the field with lawn ornaments on the hopes that the gunner would trip over a garden gnome or a garden hose or some shit. It might work out better. A.J. Smith is a colossal fucking cock who needs to be fired and realize his destiny of living on the Jim Rome show as the massive asshole who always gets fucking muted five minutes into the broadcast. I fucking hate him and hate the fact that he’s still fucking employed. You could probably pull some fucking assistant manager from a McDonald’s that would do a better job. That’s not as much of an overstatement as you might think. NFL players would do all sorts of dumb shit for free McNuggets. JaMarcus Russell would come back in a minute. He might be an upgrade for the right tackle position.
And fucking Norv. NORV! Fuck your goddamn Martian landscape of a face. The only fucking thing you strike fear into is the Accutane salesman. At this point we’re all wondering what fucking blackmail Turner has on owner Dean Spanos. It couldn’t just be midget hookers. I mean, we’ve all been there. This is the fucking explanation that Spanos gave to why he hasn’t fucking fired NORV:
“When you look at his record…albeit, we’ve fallen off and we’re in the middle right now, and it’s not where we want to be…”
Look, just look at our record! It speaks for itself and HOLY SHIT I mean kind of ignore the last part of the record because that’s not really very good.
“…but we are not the dregs of the league.”
Well, that’s a fucking statement to be made there! “Well, at least we’re not the Bills, although they appear to have a better record than us. LOOK HE HAS PICTURES OF ME BLOWING A HORSE, PEOPLE.” The reality is that Spanos has to be fucking reminded every day why Marty Schottenheimer’s office has moved. He’s senile and he believes head coaches with winning records are fucking Freemasons. This is why this team fucking sucks.
What were we talking about again?
IND 24 @ NE 59: Well, I’ve run out of space. Sorry but blatant flattery will skew my writing towards your requests. So will free booze. Harold’s done both. Anyway, this game was a fucking blowout; but how did Andrew Luck do against a team that’s gone to the Super Bowl?
Okay, so he look like a sack of stir-fried shit. Good to know.
The kicker (ha ha) to this story is that for a 59-24 blowout New England’s elite tight end, Rob Gronkowski, is now out for the fantasy football season due to a broken arm that he suffered on the last play of the game, an extra point when he was in to block. It appears that Belichek still likes running up the score on hapless opponents as it gives him time to scout of MILFs in the stands and now it cost Jesse a star player in one of his leagues.
Well, I feel your pain, my friend. I don’t actually, but I fucking hate SurvellienceChek and would be happy to rally behind this cause. Since the Patriots have too many offensive weapons to suffer from this, I will be offering a $50 Best Buy gift card to any defensive player who fucking knocks out Tom Brady from contention. That’s right! I’m offering bounties. Right on a fucking webpage, which is about as blatant as the Saints coaching staff. GET OFF YOUR FUCKING GINGER THRONE AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT GOODELL. I’M RIGHT FUCKING HERE, BITCH.
BAL 13 @ PIT 10: Ben Roethlisberger was on the sideline for the whole game wearing a sling on his arm from a rib injury. Hey, it worked for Ted Bundy! All you need is that panel van to come back from the detailers with the Steelers’ logo painted on it. Look at Bryan Leftwich running for a touchdown in the first quarter! Because it’s fucking pathetic:
How that fat fuck could get more than four yards without calling a timeout so he could eat a sandwich is beyond me, and it’s even more fucking inept that the Baltimore defense let him slide on a trail of gravy into the fucking endzone. I mean, look. He looks like an overweight drunk bumblebee in that fucking abortion of a throwback jersey. How the fuck do you miss this fucking guy?
So anyway the game ended in a Steelers loss due to a Baltimore special teams touchdown and other things that occurred while I was sleeping through the game. However, that same touchdown run got Leftwich injured and now the Steelers are reduced to starting Charlie Batch this week and leaving a lot of voice mail messages on Kordell Stewart’s cell phone. But don’t worry, Charlie Batch! You remember Plexico Burress from when you were fucking relevant on the Pittsburgh Steelers? Well, we got him back too! So there should be no fucking problem going forward! Enjoy the rest of the season, yitzers! I am not bitter.
CHI 7 @ SF 32: I didn’t even fucking watch this game at all, and that takes a lot out of me. From what I can tell Jason Campbell believes that the Statue of Liberty play requires you to remain motionless like said statue until the defense drives you into the turf. Jay Cutler had better start remembering how to be an asshole quickly if Chicago has any chance from here on out.