Always Be Covering: Week Eight

Hey guys, sorry about last week of not writing. Do not fear that my debt had reached to a level of having my bookie drown me in a filthy toilet in an attempt to pay up. I’m actually ahead! Which is good considering the cost of reconstructive knee surgery these days. No, the last few weeks have been pretty good to me.

OH YA CAT BE PIMPIN. Let’s roll out the wins for this week!

CAR @ CHI (7.5) - Jay Cutler bruised his ribs last week, which is an unreported story that you get right here because degenerate gamblers are FUCKING PLUGGED IN. Of course, the Chicago defense themselves could beat the Panthers by 10 points but I’m not putting much on this. Jay Cutler will spend the entire day hissing at his offensive linemen, because he is a cat.

Spread: Over

To Win: CHI

SD (2.5) @ CLE - During the bye week Norv Turner stated that “We’re going to limit some things that we’re doing [on offense],” which is great. Yeah, definitely when your offense is struggling the best fucking thing to do is less of that shit. Still, it’s Cleveland, so it might work. Not putting much on this either.

Spread: Over

To Win: SD

SEA @ DET (1.5) - This could be a huge game for Seattle because of all the injuries Detroit has in the secondary – Bill Bentley (CB), Jacob Lacey (CB) and Amari Spievey (SS) could all miss this game. Of course, Seattle has injury problems of their own, namely that Pete Carroll is not fatally injured and still pretends to call plays. I think the defining factor in this game is PETE CARROLL I WILL FUCKING GUT YOU LIKE A FISH AND DRAG YOU INTO A WOOD CHIPPER BY YOUR FUCKING ENTRAILS. I’ll put a little on the under. Go Seahawks!

Spread: Under

To Win: SEA BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG

JAC @ GB (15.5) - I like how this was an off-setting line until Wednesday, where it jumped to over 15 points. Like Vegas really needed to think about this for some reason. “How will Jacksonville respond without Gabbert and Jones-Drew?” NOT THAT FUCKING WELL. Still, not much value on this over. Apparently road underdogs are 46-34 when the spread is 15-plus, so go ahead and bet your fucking mortgage on this line! I drank out of a storm drain last week and I won’t go for this line. Well, maybe a little.

Spread: Under

To Win: GB

IND @ TEN (3.5) - Teams that won twice as underdogs that are favored next week are in a bad spot and it’s usually a good idea to bet against them. Additionally, Tennessee LT Michael Roos is out and some dude named Mike Otto will start, and teams starting tackles whose last name is a palindrome are 18-52 against the spread. OK, I made the last part up but Indianapolis does have Robert Mathis, Cory Redding and Pat Angerer on the field for the first time and I expect Indianapolis to surprise people here.

Spread: Under

To Win: IND

NE (7.0) vs. STL - There’s a lot of media overreaction to the last few weeks for the Patriots; the way Bill Simmons carried on you fucking thought that Tom Brady got lost on the killing floor of a meat packing facility. “Tom Brady doesn’t like being hit.” As opposed to the other fucking NFL quarterbacks who enjoy this shit. Well, Roethlisberger probably gets off a little bit on it but that’s about it. By the time these fuckers are through feeling sorry for themselves you would think these assholes didn’t go to the Super Bowl more than any other team in the last 10 years. Go fuck yourselves with a bowl of clam chowder. Don’t ask me how that works.

But yeah, they’ll probably cover handily. One thing for certain is that we always ship over a really shitty football game to London because the fucking limey bastards don’t know good football when they see it. U-S-A! U-S-A! They can’t even fucking spell football right.

Spread: Over

To Win: NE

MIA @ NYJ (2.0) - I love Miami this week. The Jets are probably going to be flat after losing to their division rival. Additionally, teams coming off road losses in overtime go 15-43 against the spread since 2000 and the Jets have historically taken a massive shit on the field going into a bye (and Rex Ryan has traditionally taken a massive shit on the field going into a bye). The Jets played a terrible game last week and I expect them to get stomped for this reason. Of course, this is typically the sort of thing I squeal when someone is putting my hand into a vise for not paying so take this with a grain of salt.

Spread: Over

To Win: MIA

ATL @ PHI (2.0) - I know that I hate the FUCKING EAGLES, MAN, but I love this spread. Here is my line of reasoning:

• For whatever reason, Reid is awesome coming off a bye. Probably because he spent a week eating ham pizzas or some shit.

• I have someone tell me that “Reid is at his best when the media trashes him,” which leads me to wonder why he hasn’t won a Super Bowl by now. Anyway.

• Reid is 7-2 against the spread against the Falcons (excluding a game where he rested his starters) and specifically is 3-1 against Matt Ryan. The only loss is when Vick was injured in game and blew a huge lead.

• I am probably drunk.

• I saw Vick’s face in a tortilla that I was eating at lunch. Again, I was probably drunk. I fed it to a dog and felt good about it.

• DICK JOKE

Spread: Over

To Win: PHI

WAS @ PIT (4.5) - Another favorite of mine this week. All week I heard the media saying that “The Steelers are coming” and ignoring the fact that the Steelers got beaten by Tennessee in the game that Chris Johnson remembered he had feet and barely beat the Bengals when they were down to their third-string center. Pittsburgh is generally terrible when everyone believes in them and it is generally profitable betting on road underdogs after a loss on the road. Pittsburgh is hardly the same team we’ve seen without Polamalu and the Redskins are good at stopping the run. This can’t possibly go wrong.

Spread: Under

To Win: WAS

OAK @ KC (1.0) - I really like the Raiders for the following reasons:

• The Chiefs are starting Brady Quinn.

• Brady Quinn Brady Quinn Brady Quinn Brady Quinn Brady Quinn

Remember kids, Brady Quinn makes you money! When you bet on him to fail.

Spread: Under

To Win: OAK

NYG (1.5) @ DAL - I like the Cowboys as an underdog for the following reasons…OK, I don’t have any, other than usually the Cowboys only screw up when you expect them to win. When you expect them to fuck up they usually rise to the occasion. Christ, I see why people keep breaking things on me. Oh, well.

Spread: Under

To Win: DAL

NO @ DEN (6.0) - I don’t understand why the spread is this high. Sure, Denver should have a field day with the New Orleans defense but it’s not like Drew Brees and company can’t keep up offensively. I like Denver to win but the Saints will keep this close. No way there should be a six-point spread on either team.

Spread: Under

To Win: DEN

SF (6.5) @ ARI - Exactly why is San Francisco favored by nearly a touchdown on the road? Sure, the Arizona offense sucks but it’s not like Alex “I HAVE THESE TINY HANDS” Smith has been fucking awesome for the last few weeks. The last NFC division game the 49ers were in wasn’t exactly an offensive powerhouse. Take the under.

Spread: Under

To Win:ARI (Shocker!)

Enjoy the games, everyone!