Seriously, What The FUCK: Week Six
Well, fuck…late again as usual. However, we have some incredible games happening this weekend, the vast majority of which I did not watch thanks to the NFL’s draconian national coverage schedule. However, things did in fact happen this week so here’s some piss-poor comedy based around what I could research from the games.
DAL 29 @ BAL 31 On Saturday Joe Flacco said that if you told Ray Lewis that he was done “[Lewis] would kill you,” which probably could have been phrased better. At any rate with both Felix Jones and DeMarco Murray out the Cowboys recover an onside kick within two minutes of the end of the game after failing a two-point conversion. Ultimately Dallas advances due to a completely legitimate defense pass interference call and the Cowboys spend about 20 seconds standing around looking clueless. This lead to a difficult 51-yard attempt from the right hash mark that failed. Also, no one iced the kicker! FUCKING YAY for not icing the kicker. I hate it when people ice the kicker.
I did watch this game so I have the most to say about it, but Baltimore is incapable of rushing the quarterback with Suggs out. And while Murray is out with an injury (who happens to be my FUCKING FANTASY PLAYER IN TWO FUCKING LEAGUES right you don’t care about that FUCK) for Baltimore Ladarius Webb, Haltoi Ngata and Ray Lewis on the sidelines due to injury. As an update, Ladarius Webb is definitely out for the year and Baltimore looks like they’ll shut down Lewis as well. So Lewis is done...hold on, I have a limo ride that showed up.
OAK 20 @ ATL 23 So much for a curb-stomping! Matt Ryan threw multiple interceptions here to a revitalized Oakland defense due to a few underthrows (one of which came as he was getting hit and it’s hard to fault him for that). Among the problems with the Falcons are that Jones has a tendency to drop passes when going over the middle (one of which became an Oakland turnover) and the Falcons cannot fucking tackle anybody. This was a really close game until Carson Palmer looked at the scoreboard and thought, “Wait, this isn’t right – we’re the Oakland Raiders, we don’t do things like this. Here’s an interception.” Samuel picked off Palmer in order for the Falcons to win 23-20 and prevented the head coach of the Raiders from frantically reading up on the NFL overtime rules, something he originally thought wasn’t necessary.
Seriously, does ANYONE remember who the head coach for the Raiders is? I have no fucking clue. I just assumed they dragged Art Shell out of a closet and made him head coach again, even if Shell is dead.
CIN 24 @ CLE 34 I already gave you something here.
STL 14 @ MIA 17 I watched the Red Zone again this weekend, and I seriously wonder what Chris Hanson does for bathroom breaks. I have a mental image of Hanson saying “Let’s check in on the Cleveland and Cincinnati game…” (running sounds, audible pissing) “Oh god I so fucking needed to do this and ARE YOU STILL FUCKING RECORDING?!” (flushing) I didn’t watch this game.
IND 9 @ NYJ 35 So, I traded Jesse in one of my other leagues (of which I have too fucking many) DeAngelo Williams for Shonn Greene because I had all but one running back on bye this week due to my inability to keep track of these things. At the time I figured we were just trading bench trash. What I am trying to say is that I am buying Jesse a beer this week. This is not part of the trade arrangement. It’s really more of an apology.
At any rate, the headlines are that “Mark Sanchez Silences Tebow Supporters” even though that he threw for the third-lowest yardage totals of his entire career. From the New York Daily News
“Whether he can duplicate this performance next week…is another matter.”
Can Sanchez throw for LESS yards? Can he show that he is ready for the next level by handing off the ball MORE than 30 times? Fuck I wish I could set expectations with my employer the same way.
DET 26 @ PHI 23 This was the best performance that Nmandi Asomugha had all year on Calvin Johnson…until the fourth quarter when he was put to cover the slot decoy receiver and Detroit rallied a last-quarter comeback to steal the win from the Eagles. This is a very short commentary because after the game, as you all know, the Eagles fired defensive coordinator Juan Castillo.
Sure, this was an overdue move and Castillo didn’t do anything to help his team win. However, this is the perennial “EVERYTHING IS GREAT, PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE VERY LARGE MAN EATING HAM BEHIND THE CURTAIN” move by the Eagles. Sure, the defense was fucked but that’s far from the only problem. Vick turns over the fucking ball at least twice a game and Andy Reid only watches the clock when Golden Buffet is close to closing. This is such a fucking chickenshit move from a land whale of a fucking coach that has his ample ass on the proverbial extra-accommodating hot seat. This move doesn’t fix shit.
KC 10 @ TB 38 Let’s watch a gif! Gifs are easy, and with the added benefit of making this look remotely competitive!
In actual current news, Dwayne Bowe wants “very badly” to be out of Kansas City, much like anyone under 300 pounds and doesn’t have a wardrobe coated in barbeque sauce.
BUF 19 @ ARI 16 From head coach Chan Gailey, last week:
“After taking a 21-7 lead over New England early in the third quarter two weeks ago, the Bills have been outscored 90-10…’Your soul is hurt. You hurt in your heart. You hurt in your brain…you hurt everywhere when you do not play well.’”
Maybe that should be the new Buffalo city slogan. “Welcome to Buffalo! You hurt everywhere.” Anyway this was actually a close game with a lot of Kevin Kolb scrambling for positive yards. With Kolb usually “scrambled” precedes “brains”. NOTE: I was honestly writing this before the hit to Kolb, which makes me feel like a filthy little sinner. The Bills squeak this one through in overtime and now apparently some of Kevin Kolb’s ribs are separated from his sternum. He is officially listed as Not Good and was recently downgraded to Shit Dude, That Really Sucks. UPDATE: Kolb is out for six weeks. Welcome to the ultimate Arizona Cardinals fan experience! Do you want to be a starting quarterback? Does this helmet fit you?
NE 23 @ SEA 24
NYG 26 @ SF 3 There is some hope for the Seahawks’ game on Thursday. Apparently Alex Smith is susceptible to the play where opposing cornerbacks in the secondary jump up and say “HEY ALEX SMITH THROW THE BALL TO ME” and he does. This is valuable inside information, assuming Richard Sherman can do anything besides troll opposing quarterbacks.
MIN 26 @ WAS 38 I'm thinking that Robert Griffin is OK! Jesse told me that he wouldn't last more than three years in the league, but that's really not true. Look at Michael Vick, he's still playing! I'm assuming that Griffin will do three years in jail for money laundering down the road.
GB 42 @ HOU 24 So the Houston Texans were wildly exposed without Brian Cushing to inject some muscle into their defense the Green Bay Packers pretty much dominated the entire game. Can we finally stop stealing poor Aaron Rodger’s Discount Double Check dance from him? He doesn’t get endorsements like Lance Armstrong, people. That’s enough.
DEN 35 @ SD 24 People. PEOPLE. This is the Monday Night Game our forefathers have been waiting for. This was FUCKING INCREDIBLE for everyone outside the San Diego area and sorryaboutthelossHaroldbetterlucknextyear THIS WAS GREAT. First off, I have to think this massive Denver fan impacted the game by shifting gravity in Manning’s favor:
Look at how terrible this is! He’s displacing so many people in San Diego you would think he was global warming. See how this poor blonde woman had no choice but to sit in some strangers’ lap with his dick up her ass for four quarters to compensate for the lack of seating and MOR FAT PEOPLZ PLZ in retrospect.
To sum up the game the Chargers capitalized on a number of special teams failures to get up 24-0 in the first half and had all the earmarks of another shitty MNF game. And after the half the RIVERPLOSION happened and everything went straight to a runny mess of shit. After the first half all of the Chargers’ drives ended with: fumble, three-and-out, INT, INT, INT, fumble. Rivers’ DVAR (calculates a passers’ value over a replacement QB, say, CHARLIE FUCKING WHITEHURST) was 50, 29, -40, -120. That’s kind of a sliding scale from OK to bad to worse to FUCK to KILL HIM to RYAN LEAF. So, bad.
Sure, not all of this is Rivers’ fault. Eddie Royal deserves to be publicly executed at midfield during the bye week. But Rivers is some asshole who flips off NFL fans and teaches abstinence. Seriously, someday you’ll be trying to pick up some hot chick at the bar and she’ll be all “Sorry, but Philip Rivers taught me that I should never have sex outside of cranking out many screaming kids” and you will be FUCK I’M GOING TO PICK A FIGHT. And that is bad. So fuck Philip Rivers.
Anyway, here are some trolling photos. First, my favorite with Rivers throwing his mouthguard up in frustration. “Well, fuck all of this; I’ll just throw my mouthguard up in frustration, have it land on the ground and chew Astroturf for the entire second half. THAT WILL TEACH THEM TO INTERCEPT ME. Let’s go abstain together!” Fuck off.
And finally, Tony Carter picking off Philip Rivers. Who the fuck is Tony Carter? Without Philip Rivers we would never fucking know. These clips should be played non-stop with Rivers in a Clockwork Orange-style restraints so he can see this for all fucking eternity. I am very level-headed and believe in this.