Seriously, What The FUCK: Week Seven
OK, so I’m trying to get this out relatively early (ed. note: FAIL) but only under one fucking condition. There was no Thursday night game. No football occurred and nothing fucking happened. If you were at a bar you were watching fucking baseball or a rerun of the presidential debates or Olympic curling or fucking whatever. You were not watching football. Nobody played on fucking Thursday. OK? Nothing happened at all, and certainly had nothing to do with the Seattle FUCK YOU PETE CARROLL THE FUCKING CONTRACT HIT IS BACK ON oops ignore that typo.
TEN 35 @ BUF 34 I guess Halloween is coming a bit early! The Buffalo Bills found a way to reanimate Chris Johnson’s corpse for this game as Johnson broke off scoring runs of 16 and 83 yards, the latter being obviously the longest of his season. Gus Johnson commented that Johnson looked good enough to at least elude mall security guards.
Clearly defense was more of a suggestion in this game. Ultimately Matt Hasselbeck (yay!) found Nate Washington in the end zone as regulation expired to put them up by one point after the Bills had previously scored seven. Wait for Chan Gailey to be criticized for not trying to go for two.
HOU 43 @ BAL 13 One of the two nationally televised blowout games this week! After performing at a pretty good level for the last few weeks the Baltimore offense came out as limp, lifeless and embarrassing as a Cialis commercial. Cam Cameron forgot that Ray Rice was on the team and the Ravens proceeded to get gang raped into submission for the viewing pleasure of audiences.
This was really terrible. Peter King would later write that Cam Cameron should not be crucified for forgetting about Ray Rice in this game but he’s a fat sack of shit. “Cameron should totally not be fucking vilified for not involving the best player on offense! Let me drink 400 lattes and then bitch about not getting comped at whatever plush hotel I stay in!”
GB 30 @ STL 20 Green Bay had a successful surprise onside kick in this game. I assume they watched something on film; I seriously doubt they spent a week worrying about how to out-score the Rams offense. But hey, next week the Rams get to play the Patriots in London! QUITE SMASHING. I’m sure that watching a team named the Patriots beat the living shit out of another football team will go over really well in London.
CLE 13 @ IND 17 Every week Cleveland plays some team somewhere and every week I wonder what the fuck to write about. This week is no different.
ARI 14 @ MIN 21 And this was the second nationally televised NFL game. The offense in this game was so offensive that most of my jokes appear tasteful by comparison. Who the fuck makes decisions to air football games like this nationally? So what if Arizona is in the NFC West. Why are you fucking punishing all of Washington? Christian Ponder and John Skelton dueled on the gridiron field in the battle for “Who Is The Worst National Embarrassment” by seeing how many fucking terrible interceptions they can throw off their back feet. Opposing cornerbacks generally play less football and more “competitive standing”.
One of the most pivotal plays in the game was when Whisenhunt called a fourth-and-two late in the third quarter on a fucking designed bootleg. I can’t tell what is the fucking worst with this; that the play was a bootleg with one designed option, that the coaching staff believed that this play is the best chance to get them two yards, or that the coaching staff is convinced that FB Reagan Mau’ia, not Larry Fitzgerald, is the best person to get them said two yards. On an unrelated note, Arizona fucking lost. Larry Fitzgerald is going to be strangling Whisenhunt on the sideline by the end of the season while a one-armed man with Tourette syndrome is attempting to audible and insulting the center’s mother at the same time. And they’ll probably beat the Seahawks again.
WAS 23 @ NYG 27 Why the fuck was this not nationally televised? The defending Super Bowl champion against one of the most exciting rookie quarterbacks we’ve seen in a long time and very little defense. I think Eli Manning and Robert Griffin will make for a great rivalry. On one side we have a defending champion that is finally getting to elite status and on the other side an electrifying rookie that actually has a personality.
This was pretty awesome:
There was a play called by Washington where the entire line blocks right and the backup tight end is left alone to block Jason Pierre-Paul; I assume this play was left over from the Jim Zorn era. And look at this play by the guy holding a tray of water cups:
Not one cup gets knocked over! That is great poise from a CLUTCH play right there! I bet he was the son of a head coach! I’m sure you’ve seen the incredible finish where Griffin has a beautiful touch pass to Santana Moss; not to be outdone, Manning throws a touchdown to Cruz on third-and-two on the next possession. Ultimately while trying to get the go-ahead score Moss fumbles the ball for the Giants win. That is, I assume that you all have direct TV. FUCK.
NO 35 @ TB 28 Can we stop with the throwback jerseys already? I’m pretty sure that if you mixed vomit in with bloody shit you would come up with this color. The Saints got lucky to get back into this game as Freeman had a perfect game against the propped-up tackling dummies that appear to be the Saints secondary. Something else I didn’t get to watch:
That would have been fucking nice to see as well, and it would almost make the eyeball rape uniforms of the Buccaneers worth it. Between this, all the scoring, the unsportsmanlike conduct penalty that the Buccaneers gifted the Saints with by shifting on a field goal attempt trying to get a false start, this game would have been great to watch. The final play came on a would-be touchdown where Mike Williams went out of the end zone and failed to establish himself before catching the ball.
DAL 19 @ CAR 14 I dunno. Let’s watch Dez Bryant get killed!
JAC 23 @ OAK 26 Blaine Gabbert FINALLY got knocked out of the game! QUARTERBACK CONTROVERSY! Will this finally give Jacksonville the momentum to win a football game? To definitively answer this question Chad Henne threw the ball away on fourth down which resulted in a massive amount of get-well cards being sent to the Gabbert residence. Also, Maurice Jones-Drew’s leg fell off. This originally was a blowout that got close because both teams are fucking inept. I’m fucking shocked this wasn’t nationally televised.
NYJ 26 @ NE 29 Following the theme of “if both teams play like shit it can be fun to watch” would be this game that I actually did watch all the way through. First off there was this early on:
I really enjoy Vince Wilfork running after just about anything; he looks like a landslide made out of Jello. Between a special teams touchdown and typical New York Jets fuckups the Patriots lead the game but it is not fucking pretty. Sanchez’s touchdown pass occurred with 10 men on the field, which actually happened at least twice. Ultimately the Jets come back and tie the game at 23 when Stephen Hill dropped a pass wide open that would have converted the drive in the red zone. The game goes to overtime where Gostowski makes the field goal for the go-ahead score. Sanchez gets sacked and stripped of the ball on the last drive in what could best be described as “a return to normalcy”. Patriots are looking pretty vulnerable right now – thought week six would happen all over again.
PIT 24 @ CIN 17 Apparently Mike Wallace and Greg Little exchanged hands for this week. The Bengals lost because this is one of their fans:
DET 7 @ CHI 13 Fuck what a terrible game. To add injury to national derision Matt Stafford will be out several weeks after being devoured by the Astroturf monster:
The Lions are back everybody!