Seriously, why the FUCK DO YOU HAVE A JOB: Head Coach Death Watch Edition
It’s another exciting week of NFL football action and…yeah, actually most of these games were absolute shit. This was one of the overall worst bunch of NFL games that I have seen in a long, long time. The closest game that I watched this week was the Giants/Cowboys game. Sure, who doesn’t love Romoceptions but still, there were six turnovers.
But this “short” update is for one of the most favorite hallmarks of the NFL season: head coach firings. They’re fucking great. There are few things better in the world than watching a hated, usually fat head coach get unceremoniously fired from the head office. I always hope every year that Norv Turner would finally get fired; I have this mental image of Turner standing at the bus stop in the rain, holding a cardboard box while small animals drink the rainwater that is stored in the pock marks on his face. AND THIS COULD BE THE YEAR. I enjoy watching prominent wealthy people fail and unlike Wall Street Romeo Crennel doesn’t get $199 million when he gets fired for starting Brady Quinn.
SD 6 @ CLE 7 Norv Turner! Pat Shurmr! Who wants to be fired before week eleven! This is finally fucking it, the year that Norv Fucking Turner gets fucking fired. If he still hangs on after this year then I am fucking convinced that he has video of owner Dean Sparanos fucking at least one horse. After the fucking Monday Night game I am really surprised that Turner wasn’t doused in gasoline and set on fire for the fucking halftime show (“Sponsored By Toyota: This Shit Doesn’t Happen Anymore When You Drive Our Cars”). The only thing fucking worse is that A. J. Smith still has a fucking job. Nice move playing hardball with Vincent Jackson you diseased cock. Maybe you should have listening to Robert Meachem when he told you that he shouldn’t have been paid that much. Meanwhile it’s not going to matter as Philip Rivers is rapidly declining and there is no plan for the future other than “hey, Charlie Whitehurst has starting experience.”
Here is Trent Richardson getting benched:
And Philip Rivers doing his “Gone With The Wind” impersonation:
Prediction: Turner finally gets fired but A.J. Smith is around to continue to fuck things up. Harold strangles a baby seal to death in frustration.
CAR 22 @ CHI 23 Well, Cam Newton is definitely the new fucking Vince Young. It’s just a matter of time before Newton is seen on national TV cutting himself in the fourth quarter. If Steve Smith keeps making him feel bad then he’s just going to overthrow everyone on the hail mary pass:
Also it appears that the game-winning field goal was set up because Ron Rivera used the same base defensive scheme on the final drive that allowed Brandon Marshall to march up the field and score; Cutler connected with Marshall on the same exact play four times to set up the score. Later on Rivera showed that he was the man to take charge:
“Head coach Ron Rivera had his Al Haig moment last week, saying the buck stopped with him on personnel moves, but when asked about rumors of a Williams trade Monday, deferred to Brandon Beane…[who is] being referred to as an interim GM.”
“The buck stops with…uh, the guy over there texting on his phone. I gotta go.”
NYJ 9 @ MIA 30 We’re back to the clown car:
I think everyone knows that I hate Tebow both as a person and a player. But at this point why are you not putting Tebow under center? The fucking Jets went for a fourth-and-one with Tebow on the sidelines. If you’re not putting fucking Tebow in on short-yardage situations why is he on the team?
So Sanchez once again failed to remind anyone of Peyton Manning without his forehead giving birth and the fucking Jets lost to a team that had their starting quarterback knocked out of the game early on. Rex Ryan, your ass might not be as abundant as it has in previous years but it is squarely in a hot seat. Just fucking start Tebow. He’ll fail and we can finally get this fucking shit over with.
In unrelated news, Tebow now copyrighted Tebowing. That’s right, you have to get the blessing of his highness before you can happily begin Tebowing. I’m actually in favor of this because it will keep people from fucking trolling. Such as the League, the FX series about fantasy football. I saw ads all year with the entire cast Tebowing. Never fucking watch that show. Here is a GIF of a blocked punt:
The personal protector on the play? You guessed it, Tim Tebow. TEBOW WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN THE SPECIAL TEAMS UNIT??!!
ATL 30 @ PHI 17 Andy Reid: please stop eating ham long enough to read this message. I have found your running back for you – his name is LeSean McCoy. Here is a picture:
I thought this might fucking help you. McCoy is a “running back”; he’s kind of like a receiver except he doesn’t catch the ball in the air before running downfield with it. I know it seems counter-intuitive to you, but several large men on the offensive line would be happy to help block for him. Running the ball can help you win some games; you might want to try it. Again, this is McCoy:
If it is still confusing for you to locate him then you could yell “HEY LESEAN MCCOY COME HERE I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE” and LeSean McCoy will magically appear. He probably won’t be pleased, so it would be good to remember what he looks like.
You’re welcome. And yes, I would be happy to accept the job of offensive coordinator for the Philadelphia Eagles.
OAK 26 @ KC 16 So the Chiefs lost even though they got an early-game gift in Brady Quinn being sent to the sidelines because he had to do long division. After the loss Crennel was asked why Jamaal Charles only got five carries in the game since he’s basically the best player on the team. Crennel was forthright:
“’Now, I’m not exactly sure [why Charles only got five carries] either,’ Crennel said after the game, via Dave Skretta of the Associated Press.”
You’re the fucking head coach. You should fucking know, or at least pretend you know, or eat ham while answering the question like Andy Reid does so no one understands your answer. “I’ll get to the bottom of this” isn’t fucking satisfactory anymore. “Charles? Is there a Charlie on my team? Really? Because I WAS IN FUCKING NAM.”
NYG 29 @ DAL 24Oh fuck. This was hands-down the best game of the week. First, it was actually close; second, Dallas played great defense, it had a phenomenal ending and it was fucking full of DALLAS DERP.
Romoceptions are fucking delicious. Just look at some of the beautiful choice moments I have saved for you, the good reader, because I care so much for every one of you:
Romo just assumes every third pass will be an interception at this point. Here is Dez Bryant being a fucking moron:
If his mother wasn’t a whore these things wouldn’t happen. I couldn’t find the clip of defensive coordinator Rob Ryan clearly telling Jason Garrett on the sidelines:
“Listen you fucking Princeton faggot, my MEN on defense are fucking playing their dicks out and if we lose this fucking game I will FUCK YOU TO DEATH WITH A BROKEN TEQUILA BOTTLE after I finish drinking the tequila.”
It was pretty obvious from reading his lips. Jason Garrett is as good as being never heard from again. And then there is this:
I honestly lost an entire work day staring at this.